Wanting To Die but Secretly Hoping You'll Save Me
by Tear-Trax
Summary: Shuichi tries to commit suicide, will anyone save him? I know the plot is overused, but please read. Contains suicide attempt and OOCness. Rated M due to suicide and swearing.


Hey all, just to let you know that this is my story, it is under a different name and title on Gurabite, so I'm just letting you all know that I didn't steal it.

**Warning**: This story contains a suicide attempt and OOCness. I know the storyline has been overused many times, but this story was one of the first one's I wrote, it was up on once, but it was deleted, so I'm putting it back up.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gravitation, it belongs to the fantastic and talented Maki Murakami. Also I do not own the song 'Everytime', it belongs to Britney Spears.

* * *

**Wanting To Die… But Secretly Hoping You'll Save Me**

**Shuichi (POV)  
**  
For the past few months, I have felt myself slowly dying inside. My once sparkling eyes have faded to a dull glimmer of disappointment. I used to have so much energy. I was loud and whiny, always bouncing around, never keeping still for a moment. It was like I had a permanent ants nest in my pants.

After washing my hands, I look at myself in the mirror, but close my eyes at the sight of my reflection. I hate looking at myself, I look disgusting. The black circles under my eyes look like bruises. I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep.

My hipbones are beginning to show. I can't eat, well… I can't be bothered to eat. What's the point? I want to die. I hate my life. I quit singing with Bad Luck two months ago, I couldn't handle it. Daily death threats from K, whining from Fujisaki on a daily basis, mostly telling me how useless I am.

I even feel myself being distanced from my best friend, Hiro. I haven't spoken to him since I quit. Every time he calls my cell phone, I don't answer. I feel my heart fluttering as I think about my ex-lover Yuki. You probably wont believe me, but I'm the one who left him, instead of him chucking me out.

I remember that night very clearly…

"Yuki" I call as I run into his study, putting my arms around his neck. "Miss me?" I ask, nipping his ear.

He growls at me, elbowing me in the stomach with enough force to knock me on the floor. I look at him with wide eyes, tears beginning to fall down my cheeks. He looks shocked. As he walks towards me, I flinch and scramble away from him.

I've never been afraid of him before, but that's exactly how I feel now.

"Shuichi, I'm sorry. I'm not going to hurt you."

I don't listen. I push myself to my feet and run into the bedroom, locking the door behind me.

"Shuichi, open the door."

I wince at the anger in his voice. I pull my bag off the top of the wardrobe and start shoving my clothes in. I jump as the door bursts open and Yuki stands in the doorway glaring at me. I zip up my bag and sling it over my shoulder.

"Shuichi, I'm sorry... Please don't leave me."

For some reason my brain didn't hear it that way. Yuki's never nice to me. I walk passed him and make my way to the front door. I didn't turn back as he called my name.

That was just over two months ago. I found myself a small apartment not very far from Yuki's place. It's stupid, but I still want to be as close to him as I can. I shake my thoughts away and stumble into the front room, grabbing the half empty bottle of whiskey from the table and continue drinking. I close my eyes as my cell phone rings. I look at the caller id and see it's Yuki. I switch it off. Even though I still love him, I can't deal with all this shit anymore.

I sit on the couch and think once again, mostly about ending my life. I don't want to live anymore. I don't have anything to live for. I hate my life. I stumble to my feet and throw the bottle against the wall. I pick up the nearest objects to me and throw them, watching as they shatter against the wall.

My neighbours start banging against the wall, telling me to shut the fuck up, but I'm too far-gone to care. I go into the bathroom and turn on the taps to fill the bath. I don't bother to take my clothes off.

I turn my stereo up loudly, turning up the bass so I can feel the floor pumping like a heart beat. Turning off the taps when the bath is filled, I open up the tin I keep in the draw and take the razor out.

I step into the bath as a depressing song comes onto the radio. How fitting, I think bitterly to myself.

(Every time - Britney Spears)

'_Notice me  
Take my hand  
Why are we  
Strangers when  
Our love is strong  
Why carry on without me?_'_  
_  
Placing the razor against my wrist, I grit my teeth and slash as hard as I can, feeling a snapping sensation as I cut an artery. I do the same to my other wrist, dropping the razor into the water.

'_Every time I try to fly  
I fall without my wings  
I feel so small  
I guess I need you baby  
And every time I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, it's haunting me  
I guess I need you baby_'_  
_  
I sing along to the song as I feel my body going numb, the water turning red as my life's blood runs out of my body. I picture Yuki's face in my mind.

'_I make believe  
That you are here  
It's the only way  
I see clear  
What have I done?  
You seem to move on easy_'_  
_  
I feel my body become weightless as I feel myself slipping into the darkness. My body starts slipping. I feel the water beginning to cover my face.

'_And every time I try to fly  
I fall without my wings  
I feel so small  
I guess I need you baby  
And every time I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, you're haunting me  
I guess I need you baby _

I may have made it rain  
Please forgive me  
My weakness caused you pain  
And this song's my sorry'_  
_  
I try opening my eyes as I hear a splintering noise, followed by what sounds like footsteps. I laugh soundlessly. 'Whoever you are, you're too late'.

'_At night I pray  
That soon your face will fade away _

And every time I try to fly  
I fall without my wings  
I feel so small  
I guess I need you baby  
And every time I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, you're haunting me  
I guess I need you baby'_  
_  
I can't fight as I feel myself being lifted out of the bathtub. The darkness is calling me. I want to give up, so I do. I let the darkness take me.

--

I feel myself floating towards a bright light. I try to frown but my face feels numb. I don't want to go to a bright place. I want to stay in the dark. I belong in the dark. I try to fight it, but I have no control.

My eyes open and I find myself in a small white room, lying on a soft bed with a blue blanket covering my body. I lift my hands to my face and see my wrists have been bandaged. It takes a moment for it to register in my brain that I'm not dead. I start to scream as I realise I'm in the hospital.

I scream until my throat becomes raw, screaming because I didn't die. I feel hands trying to restrain me. I do my best to fight them, but I feel too weak.

"Let me die, please let me die." I mumble over and over.

I gasp as I feel a stinging sensation prick my arm. My body stops fighting and I begin to relax. As I close my eyes I see a blonde haired, golden-eyed man standing in the doorway watching me with tears falling from his eyes.

"Yuki." I whisper, as I lose consciousness.

--

The next time I open my eyes, I don't feel as weak as I did, but there's still a lingering sadness in my heart.

"Kami-sama, why didn't you let me die?" I say.

"Because it wasn't you're time." Says a small voice to my right.

My heart beats fast in my chest as I look at Yuki sitting on a chair beside the bed. My breath catches in my throat as I look at him. He looks different, his eyes show concern instead of the anger I'm so used too.

"Why are you here?" I ask as a tear makes its way down my cheek.

He doesn't answer my question. His hand moves towards my face slowly, when I don't flinch away from him, he uses his thumb to brush away my tears.

"Why did you try and kill yourself?" He asks.

"I have nothing to keep me here anymore." I wince inwardly as he begins to cry.

"What about me?"

I look away from him, too many emotions running through me.

"You don't need me to be happy, you never were happy with me…"

He lays a finger against my lips, silencing my words. I look at him as he stands up and sits on the bed. He takes my hand in both of his and places them over his heart.

"When did I ever tell you I didn't need you? I do need you, more than you'll ever know. These past two months without you have been the hardest. I love you Shuichi, so much that it hurts."

"Please stop it, I don't deserved to be loved. Please let me go, I don't want to live anymore…please." I don't know why I was saying this. Yuki just told me he loved me! It's what I've always wanted to hear, and now that I'm hearing it, I'm throwing it back into his face.

"I can't let you go Shuichi. If you want you want to die, then I'll die with you."

I look at him stunned. He's crazy. Is he really saying what I think he's saying? That if I kill myself, he will also? But that's not what I want. I want him to live. I want him to be happy. How can I rest in peace, knowing I made the one I love more than anything give up his life, just to be with me?

I close my eyes so I don't have to see his face. I think for a moment, before opening my eyes. I look down at my hands.

"I'm sorry I caused you pain. I never meant to. But…"

I look at him, pausing. If Yuki's willing to die for me, then I'll try and live for him. He looks at me with hope in his eyes. I smile softly.

"I'll try." I whisper.

Tears continue to pour down his face as he leans his head towards me and kisses my lips.

"I'll never let you go." He whispers against my lips.

**Five months later **

Yuki (POV)

The last five months have been difficult, but it's slowly getting better. Sometimes when I walk into the front room, Shuichi will be stood staring out of the window with a heart wrenching expression on his face.

I broke down in tears the other day when he smiled at me. Not just an ordinary smile, but a smile that lit his beautiful purple eyes. I'll never forget that day when I found him in his apartment…

I was pacing up and down in my apartment when the phone call I'd been waiting for the last two months shattered the silence. It was Tohma. He'd found Shuichi. He was staying at a small apartment not far from here. Tohma said he was on his way and he would meet me there.

I hung up the phone and grabbed my car keys and cell phone. I try phoning Shu's cell as I make my way down to my car, but he doesn't answer. When I park and get out of my car, Tohma's already is waiting for me. We make our way into the block of apartments and knock on Shuichi's door.

There's music thumping loudly from inside. I move Tohma aside and start ramming the door with my shoulder. It only takes a couple of tries before the wood splinters. I feel so scared as I look around at the trashed room.

It's a small apartment, so it only took us a couple of seconds to locate him. I rushed into the bathroom and nearly had an heart attack. Shuichi was submerged in a bath full of water that was red from the cuts on his wrists.

I heard Tohma on his cell phone calling for an ambulance as I lifted Shuichi out of the tub and lay him on the floor. I ripped up a towel and wrapped up his wounds as tight as I could. I gave him mouth to mouth, filling his lungs with air. I checked his heartbeat, and nearly passed out. It was very faint.

I kept giving him air until two medics rushed into the room. They strapped a mask over his face and loaded him on the stretcher. Tohma and I followed the ambulance in my car. When we arrived at the hospital, we had to wait.

I hate hospitals and I hate waiting. When a doctor finally came to see us I was nearly ready to pull my hair out. He told us Shuichi was going to be all right. He'd been given a blood transfusion because he had lost a lot of blood. He was worried about his mental state though, because everyone knows suicide attempts are serious.

As I was walking towards his room, I heard him screaming. Nurses and doctors ran into his room. I stood in the doorway and watched as he thrashed about screaming. I heard him mumbling. He's pleading to no one in particular to let him die. The doctor gave him a shot and he relaxed. Before he closed his eyes, we made eye contact.

Tears streamed down my face as I looked at him. I heard him whisper my name as he fell asleep. When the nurses and doctors left, I sat on the chair beside his bed and just watched him…

Since he was released from hospital he's been staying at my apartment. I don't want to let him out of sight. But ever since he smiled at me, I've been feeling hopeful that he's slowly getting better.

As I'm standing by the window, I feel his arms encircle my waist from behind, his head resting against my back. I turn around and pull him into my arms. He looks up at me with shinning eyes, the hope I feel getting stronger.

"I love you." He whispers.

Tears fill my eyes. It's the first time he's told me since he moved back in.

"I love you too." I now find it easy to express my love for him, which I've been doing every day, hoping he will say it back.

"I'll never give up." He whispers.

I hold my brat in my arms, a smile on my lips. I know everything's going to be all right. We'll always be together.

'Together forever'

**End  
**

--

I hoped you liked it, I'm not a big Britney Spears fan, but I think the song fit perfectly with the story. Thank you for reading, and please review to let me know what you think.


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